Long Time No Post

Hello guys, it's been a long time since I posted here. Well, yes college activities kills me. Kind of different with my school days. No, I am not saying that no free time, but it's just so hard to manage my time now and posting some post here need mood too!! So, yeah I just found that now.
Let me start with one question for myself. How's life? Well my life is flat. As always, I am just study and play hard. What a boring life isn't it? I have nothing to share. Hm maybe there's one. Okay guys, prepare yourself to be shocked. I lost my weight, 17 kilograms in 3 months. This is a new record in my life. I have been tried so many diet ways but then I found this. OCD, Obsessive Corbuzier Diet (you can google it) and I do cardio 30 minutes a day. Just that.
I still single, I am just boring being single since born (this is the reason why I diet. But shit no one being attracted by that hahaha) I am just what, I don't know how to explain it. I feel lonely, yes! No, not lonely but what hmm disappointed. Why? One day (now become everyday) something just came to my mind 'Am I that ugly so there's no one at least attracted?' Is that disappointed thought or desperate one? LOL
I hate being a girl. I couldn't express all of my feeling directly. It's labelled on us, girls.
But, me, in my life, once do that. I once express, not all but at least I tell him. I don't know it just happened. Maybe everything just explode like a bomb from my mind. I just thinking about 'you only live once, forget about whatever people will say. Just do it. At least you have try'. In the end, he apologize. Yes, I know the result. I even don't ask him for an answer. Kind of stupid. Why tell him if don't want to know the answer. But he apologized. It's explained all, including the result. Now, we become weird (as always). I don't know maybe because of the distance. This lead me to start asking myself, 'Why physic is so important for men?' I, honestly not really put the 'handsome' part in the first column of my boy's type. Since I realize that I am not worth for those 'handsome'. But, I just.......why those prettiness or body shape can lead it all for them? Yes, not all of men are like that but most of them will start to flirting when they are attracted to girl's body shape or pretty face. Don't try to deny it, because I know that was you guys first terms for dating. Nevermind, I hope I could meet someone that 'see' me from another perspective. I hope.
Let me continue. Since that incident, I feel like I want to be someone else. I starting to hate myself, why am I being like this and I start to think about my ugliness. To be honest, I know I am ugly. No, stop telling lies you fake. That's why I do diet. And it's really worth it. After losing weight, I start to be someone else. I tend to crying every night for no reason. I am being fake, smiling and laughing happily pretending like happiness really stay in me. But when I am alone, I just............yeah.
Can anyone tell me what the hell is this feeling?

Goodnight folks.
Sweet dreams